New uh, Blog. Duh.
As Amos loves to say, “HIHI!”
Internet’s konked up, so it took a while.
Technically, the url was supposed to be “ishave.confutatis.org” (!!!)
But everyone seemed rather disgusted, even Chee Yang (!!!!), that was when I knew I crossed the funny zone into disgusto-ville. But hey! Where’s the humour?!
You know like, every product on the market right now starts with “i”?
Let’s see, there’s..
1) iPod, the ultimate original.
2) iDog, a robotic little dog which dances along to the music in your iPod. Yeah, spend hundreds of bucks over dancing doggies. Cute anywayZ!
I came across a couple at The Heeren the other day. The girl dragged her boyfriend over to the iDog display and squealed in chinese, “Wah so cute hor? Can buy one for me for my birthday anort? So cuuttee!”
The boyfriend: But you don’t have an iPod.
Girl: Huh? iPod for wad? I just want the doggg!!! Hehehe!!! *hysterical giggles*
Ugh God. I will burst in hysterical giggles once that girl gets dumped.
I’m not even sure whether she knows what the iDog is for.
3) iMode. *boppy music* I LIKE, I MODE! Actually, I don’t even know what that is, some handphone internet thingum. The commercial just shows a yellow woman jerking about.
4) uZap.
HAHA, it doesn’t start with “i”, but it’s so funny I just gotta mention it. It’s no more “i”, nono, because it’s not original, so it’s “u” now.
HAHA, that just cracks me up. *wipes away tear*
Don’t know what it is either. Zap your pimples? Zap your hair off?
5) iMedie Chair. Taiwan product, some chair.
Should be some ass-massaging thingy.
6) iShop. Some shop thing in Orchard Road, I don’t know what it sells or provides either.
Maybe it sells a whole load of stuff which starts with “i”, like the ones mentioned above.
These commercials don’t make any sense, damnit.
So you geddit? iShave? Hawhaw?
Okay, never mind.
So I just stuck with “eatmyshorts,” rock on Bart.
Sadly, my archives and posts can’t be transferred over here.
Anyway, my sister created this blog. The Return layout, bought the domain, etc.
Cool eh?
So.
Yay, xIa0 pYnkZ is back in action! YEAH! *peace sign*
Armed with new and improved tips on being a Chow Ah Lian, xIa0 pYnkZ will guide you through a series of Ah Lian essentials, total MUST-HAVES.
*squeals*
1) Penknife
2 week old boyfriend dumped you? Broke a nail? Realised you’re fat? Can’t get that 5566 new CD which you’ve always wanted? Just saw Sly picking his nose in public and eating the bogey?
Solution: Slashy slashy. Slash away. =)
You’re gonna need this handy dandy knife during your angsty moments.
Yup, relieve blood, relieve stress. Plus, it draws attention from sAdd SAdD b0i b0is.
Or better yet, get an entire collection. Hoorah. That penknife’s gonna wear out after cutting through your skin 10 times a day!
Don’t forget to get pink ones too, nothing screams Ah Lian more than cutting yourself with pink penknives. ^^
Disadvantage: You might die. What the heck, take the risk anyways.
Or if you don’t dare to cut yourself [That doesn't scream EMO enough though, careful], drawing on scars with an inky red pen will do good as well.
On the down side, it may not come off as authentic if you’re artistically-declined or plain dumb.
And others may feel disgusted about your fake scars BUT no matter! At least you can fool a couple of dumb idiots.
Now with your brand new scars to represent the scars of your angsty life, you’re ready to strut around or take pictures of it and load ‘em up on friendster!
After all, nothing can be voiced out strongly unless you’re a rEbELzX in dEpReSsIoN!
2) Flip flops
WAH WAH WAH *fans myself* Any other branded pink shoe does fine too.
But wearing flip flops everywhere you go, that means wearing them to museums and the Esplanade and blah blah, will make a statement. An ah lian statement.
So awesomely easy eh, just wearing pink pieces of foam which costs $99.99 everywhere you go forms an Ah Lian appearance. Simple as that.
Disadvantage: Bird crap may land on your feet.
3) PMK/New World Order shirts
No other human being wears this besides the Ah Lian species. See how special you are? Right.
Pick the pink shirts though, duh. Everything’s gotta be pink, PINK.
Be sure to get a size XXS, to show off your petite or fatoozing figure, whichever figure you’ve got, just get a tight shirt.
Can’t breathe? That’s just the small price to pay for being an Ah Lian.
Or better yet, wear spaghetti strapped tops instead. Tight, remember. Reveal more cleavage, whatever skin you’ve got. Flaunt it woman!
4) Fringe + 2 Strands of hair hanging out = Wwaahh ah lian ah!
This is the icing on the cake.
As long as you have this hairstyle, it will give a lasting ah lian impression to the public.
This isn’t any old hairstyle, it’s JAPANESE KAWAII NEHX!
Don’t forget to accessorise your hair as well, with 10 unnecassary pink clips all over your head. Bam bam bam, the more the better.
If possible, dye your hair brown as well. Brings out the JAPANESE KAWAII NEHX in you!
Teacher scolds you for dying your hair? Dum dee dum, PENKNIFE TIME! Plus, you can type on your blog about how much “mAh dM sUcK lYk sHiTt.”
Disadvantage: Perhaps if you’re unlucky it may turn out more of a mushroom-head, like this:
Mushrooms… Mmmm.. *drools*
But! At least you’re sporting the ah lian style, terrific. Thumbs up for yourself, man.
5) CDs by 5566, Cyndi, Jolin, Jay Chou, Sly
Nothing rocks more than Chinese music. I mean, Hello? Isn’t Sly like, sooooo hotttt?!
Don’t forget to collect of their drama serial DVDs too, like West Side Story, Boys Over Flowers, Emo High, Yummyyummy Strawberrie Peach etc etc.
Like, as Paris Hilton says, THAT’S HOTTTT.
Yup, gotta respect Paris Hilton.
After all, she showers in milk with strawberries/sparkling water, wipes her ass with velvet cloth after shitting, is coated with GUESS products 24/7 and can’t tell the difference between a pickle and an eggplant.
Fantabulous role model, really. Dumb and blonde is IN! *strains to burst brain cells*
Cyndi Wang and Jolin Shit Tsai are also a great role models to follow through.
They sure can’t sing, but they sure can strike these poses! *finger on lip* *wink*
6) Eyeliner
Eyeliner, eye shadow and anything which enhances your eye shape will work well.
If you’ve got a single eyelid, application of more makeup will have to do.
Other sorts of makeup will be helpful as well.
Hide those pimples, sharpen that nose and redden those lips, whatever it takes to conceal your real self.
As they always say, you can never have enough makeup! [Okay I don't think they really say that but yeah]
But still put the captions of your pictures as, ” [+ iim sstilll ae kiddd``] “ to send off the signal that you look older than you really are.
Ah Bengs love that sort of thing, they can screw with you. Yup, being 14 sucks eh? Gotta look 23.
Disadvantage: Skin may shrivel up or become lizard-like after a long period of time with 50 layers of makeup.
7) Bag from Billabong/Roxy/Converse. Yay!
Doesn’t matter if you break your back 10 times easier when you’re 70, it’s NOW that’s important.
Any bag from those brands will give you an Ah Lian flair.
They’re like, square shaped and cool and everything! *squeal*
Disadvantage: Approximately 24 other fellow Ah Lians will have the exact same bag as you do. But who cares, it’s fashion.
Emo/Cute look
Yup, xIaO pYnkz’s Guide to Acting Cute comes in.
Examples:
What’s the purpose, did you say? Well, to put them up on Friendster/ Hi5/ LosersVille Site/ MeetFellowWhiners.com of course.
They’re the only people who will relate to you anyway, since you’re a dePreSseD gErL gErL.
Remember, happy’s OUT. sAdD sAdD is IN.
Neoprints will do good too. Be sure to get an extra big one though, so it will show up in clear resolution on Friendster.
OR!
If you want to have a more “mysterious gal” gimmick, use the small neoprints instead.
This way, it will show up blurry and unclear on Friendster, to hide your fugly face. Mysterious aura, eh? Dudes love mystery!
9) Camera. Pink, duh.
What’s the point of having cutey faces if you can’t capture them and show the world how adorable you look?
You can take your own sweet time to dress up, then POSE! *click* Unlike Neoprints, which ultimately exploits your money.
10) Scrawny NS boyfriend
Or get a hot NS man, whatever.
Those are hard to find though and even so, most wouldn’t get suckered into creating into a relationship with a 14 year old Avril Lavigne fan unless he’s simply doing so to lay her.
So scrawny ones will do just fine. Prowl around Cineleisure, be sure he’s a smoker. Because smoking is q0oL.
What’s the benefit of having a boyfriend who will ditch you right after he’s got his thrills, you may ask. Excellent question.
The answer is simply, you can show him off.
Your friends, if they’re IQ levels with half a hippo’s as well, will be deeply impressed.
Also, many sAd Sadd bOi bOis will go, “Shucks she’s that damn easy. Should’ve went for her first.” *listens to Simple Plan to release anger*
So you’ll in hot demand by friends and emo boys.
Plus, once he dumps you, that’s where the multiple pink penknives come to play! Yay!
At last, we have come to the end of yet another session of Ah Lian advice with xIa0 pYnkz.
Hopefully you’ve gained more knowledge on how to be a true blue ah lian.
I’m still waiting for the day for someone to regard moles on the face as an Ah Lian thing. Oh wait, it already is. =) You’re just born with it.
2 Responses to “New uh, Blog. Duh.”
i agree zk
and its not really an ahlian thing though LOL , unless its on purpose
2nd…..who made this site? msn ME
Haha.. Ian has lots of moles..