Crazy
Okay, I’m really going nuts…
Everything is just so bloody overwhelming – Heath Ledger, Uncle Ron, my migraine, the stupid virus on MSN which is spreading to everyone and I can’t get rid of it, skipping school, people getting arrested for crashing SA, braces, birthdays, hair which is so damn frizzy now that it looks like Ugly Betty’s, that stupid stupid guy, seeing my friends tomorrow, GP teacher, lunch, dinner, food, blocked ear… And most of all, the O level results.
Shit, I mean, there can only be so many people who can get 6-9 raw points. What the hell was I thinking, how the hell can I be one of them? The more I think about it, the more I realized that I just bloody screwed up. It’s just like Chinese O’s again – worked so damn hard for a C5. Fuck. Hard work doesn’t seem to work out very well for me during crunch time. My dream of going to AC seems to be slipping [AC is near and that means no ERP. Haha]. And I’m not one of those shitheads who whine about how they’re gonna screw up but end up getting straight As – I’m really starting to think that I screwed up.
Shit shit shit. I’m in it and my head’s full of it.
God, I just really hate this awful feeling. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to see happy and sad faces, I just want to sleep for a week. It’s an awful thing to admit, but I just want to dissolve and float into the stars somewhere. For the entire day I just closed my eyes and thought about the stars and planets and the nothingness below me. I picture this scene which I dreamed of long ago – outer space. Then I open my eyes and I see that I’m still anchored to the Earth, placed in a tiny room with people.
But I’m not in outer space and chances are that I never will be, so I just gotta suck it up and face the stupid O level results. I know that it’s just a piece of paper and that the JC that you go to doesn’t really matter as long as you get your ass to university [that's my case], but I’m so damn scared of seeing shit results produced from hard work. It really is a shit feeling.
Plus, this MSN virus is really bugging me. And this stupid migraine too. I wish I could tilt my head to the side and drain out the stupid migraine. And I wish I could yank the brackets off my teeth too. Metal and latex don’t belong in the mouth.
Another thing that shocked me today was this game that my Chinese teacher played with us today.
It’s called Tong Ku De You Xi (translation: Emotionally Painful Game) We each had to list out 5 of the most important things in our lives (Family, friends, love, chocolates, etc) And slowly, we had to sacrifice 4 items. The whole aim of the exercise was to help us realize that we shouldn’t take things for granted and stuff like that.
So quite a number of them included God as one of their important items, all of us included family and friends in our choices too. I guess what shocked me was that when it came down to choosing only 1 item out of the 5, most of them chose God over family. I suppose that’s what the religion preaches, but I was quite shocked at how… I dunno, firm their decision was, no hesitation at all.
I can’t imagine choosing anything else over family, maybe it’s because I’m not able to understand the whole bigger-than-life concept… But… Choosing God over your family, what did it exactly mean? Did it mean sacrificing your family member’s health for a church session or prayer? Did it mean detachment from your family? I don’t know, but it honestly really frightened me.
Also, we were studying a poem during Lit class. The poem is by a local, he’s Malay and he’s a homosexual – Alfian Sa’at. We didn’t know that he was a homosexual at first – until the teacher started telling us more about him.
Teacher: Whose impression of him has changed after I mentioned that he was gay?
What shocked me was that easily half the class, or three-quarters of it, raised their hands. Well okay, what did I expect, they’re Christians. But it really was an awesome poem, so I thought that it was a real, real shame that his talent should be overshadowed or overlooked by his sexual orientation.
Sigh.. Okay, now I’m planning to sleep off my migraine till 12pm tomorrow, so I can spend less time awake feeling anxious and shitted.
I want to immortalize my happiness for your O’ Levels, so here they are:
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAAYYAYAAYYAYAYAYAYAYAY