Tired
I totally forgot I owned a blog for a while, hence the absence of recent posts. I wanted to blog about the chalet like last week, but then I was so tired from it that I underwent some out-of-control sleeping, and I talked so much my braces rubbed too much against my lips and caused abrasions. I hate braces. Anyway, chalet was fun and I love you guys, you know who you are…
Last night, I was thinking about who was going to be in my future. Just a year ago I was convinced that some of the people I was close to were going to be in my future, but now I’m doubtful. Right now I am convinced that a group of people I know will stick with me for a long time, but that might change. It’s scary to think that I’ll be losing these people in the future and that I’m actually probably going to feel okay about it then, just like what’s happening now. Then I thought about the future friends that I’m going to make and it’s weird because they could be in proximity right now.
I finally talked about my fear and put it into perspective, but it didn’t really help much. I don’t know why I get so scared of things so much. I used to think it was just the dark but it’s much more than that, I get bloody scared of everything at night. I start thinking of death and it just makes me feel so hollow and sick and every horrible emotion you can think of; and I keep thinking of things that will never happen but I still keep thinking about them anyway.
I think about how tiny I am, curled up in bed when there’s an entire universe out there, everything is so much bigger and it is all happening so fast. I think about how there just has to be some connection between time, shapes and the planets, there just has to be a connection but we can’t find it, but I know that ultimately it would be such a simple explanation. Circles, everything has to do with circles. It’s so crazy and there’s always something happening a billion miles away and there’s always something happening right there and then beneath my skin, everything is just happening too much too fast. And I keep thinking about how we’re just a tiny bump on the evolution time line, nothing matters but yet everything does. Anything could happen any second, a blood vessel might burst, something might break, someone dies, someone is born. Who’s going to be in my future? Every night I feel so drained and wasted, but my mind just can’t stop running and thinking about everything.
After 17 years, and I feel so damn tired…
Okay I think I just typed the word ‘everything’ about 10 times.
That’s a great load off my chest.
Now, to get started on my heavily procrastinated revision…