Food
I hate it when girls blog about what they ate in the day then complain that they feel fat, but I feel totally accomplished today –
Subway sandwich
3 Subway Cookies
2 Milk-thingy pastries (mmm)
1 Hotdog
Half a packet of Kettle Chips
Fried rice
2 Hershey’s chocolates
2 glasses of chocolate milk
I usually hate eating because it makes me feel horribly full and stressed out, like I feel like sleeping but I can’t because I feel restless at the same time, but I feel so awesome today, I think it’s the combination of slacking around on my butt, afternoon naps and junk food – that’s the recipe to temporal happiness.
Okay if being able to consume a large amount of food is my biggest recent achievement, I definitely have too much time on my hands.
I try really hard to be a good kid – I love my parents a lot and I try hard not to give them any shit, just like how I wouldn’t want my own children to give me shit. I study hard so that they don’t have to worry about my future, I plan to study law because that’s what they hope I’d do, I don’t smoke, club or drink compulsively because I know they wouldn’t want a daughter like that, I make sure that my boyfriend is someone they would approve of, I try to be as independent as possible, I talk to my mom about my life as much as possible so that she doesn’t have to worry for me and that she knows I’m a responsible person – basically I stay away from all shit as much as possible just for them, because they don’t deserve it.
But I always seem to fall short. I always feels like I’m somewhat disappointing them or letting them down. I try to explain and reason with them, but they still think I’m just an irresponsible kid. They do have their reasons to be angry about this situation, but after 19 years of trying to please them, having them treat me like shit for this relatively small problem just makes me feel… just horrible.
Everything seems to be going wrong. I’m so tired of trying to make things right, no matter how hard I try, nothing seems turning out the way I intend it to be. I keep telling myself, “Things don’t have to be this complicated, there’s always something you can do (or just not do) to keep the problems to a minimum.” But things always do end up being difficult. The worst thing is that I don’t even have the option to just say, “Fuck this shit” and leave everything because otherwise there would be nothing – I’m stuck (both by choice and otherwise) and I have to continue dealing with it and being the best I possibly can, then continue getting shit for it.
I just had another post that I typed, saved as a draft, about how I hate it when people have the life attitude of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to do”. I thought it was selfish and stubborn to think in such a way, because how the people around you are affected by your decisions does matter. But while typing it, I started wondering how my life would be like if I hadn’t spent all that time trying to please my parents or other people. I don’t know if it would be a life I’d be more satisfied with, but I suppose I would’ve done a lot things I wanted to do. Why does striking a balance have to be so difficult?
I really need to leave this place and start living for myself.
I really, really need to leave.
We cooked these a few days ago, unfortunately they looked more unappetizing in real life (It’s no surprise that it seems I’m bad at cooking – mine, the second one in the pile, turned out to be half burnt) and we’d already eaten the first one that Shane cooked and it was the one that looked/tasted the best. I hope my future offspring won’t hate me for my cooking, everything would probably be kind of burnt… Sorry kids!
Unfortunate
I lack the two essential qualities that females usually have – intuition and peripheral vision.
In other words, I am too blur and unaware of my surroundings.
I always try to expect everything and anything, sometimes being paranoid is a good thing because you are prepared for the worst. But what actually happens in reality always blindsides me.
I don’t know if this was my fault for lacking much-needed female intuition or if I’m just plain unfortunate.